For bananas’ sake

People keep talking about Alt-news as if it was some new American invention. 

Come on Brits, be proud, have Alt-News like straight bananas not been spewed for years out of the UK’s media mouth too?  

In fact, hang on a minute, is our media British, American or, you know, Australian? 

Those people who comment at the bottom of articles about EU migrants that should be sent back home, are they actually all British? 

No borders for these commenting guys and gals are there? 

I mean, it’s hard to know what and who to believe these days isn’t? 

We know full well that the media make up facts to invent news, and that politicians twist the truth. 

And we seem to accept this as perfectly normal.  

When I say ‘we’ I mean the British, and those people who live in the UK and feel part of its society. 

I’ve been doing this for years. 

Although these day, I struggle to say ‘we’. 

You see after 30 years of bent/straight bananas talk, that I let pass because life is too short to worry about the shape of European bananas, it seems there are a lot of stories about EU banana growers if you will, i.e. people, namely EU migrants. 

Thing is, most British people don’t mind about the French banana growers, we do fine bananas and all things cuisine my friends. But when the media keeps vilifying all EU banana growers we don’t know anymore if you mean us, them, the other ones or what the hell to think anymore. Some of us are a bit worried to talk to our kids in French, or Spanish or Portuguese (and most definitely Polish) in case an angry British banana grower tells us to go home and then we think what now, what next, because, you know, we thought we were home. 

You see every time they (the media) bash EU migrants (actually is it just me or are politicians on the right and even on the left EU-migrants-bashing too these days?), well, are they bashing me? No, they don’t mean you. They mean, you know, the others. Are they not bashing all of us then? Some of us, a few of us, the skilled ones that are welcome or the unskilled ones that can get the hell out of here by the front door? I am so lost, I have no idea what EU migrants have been up to in the UK for all these years, who is who, what is what and who is supposed to be hated. Of course when I write migrants I jump on a big bad bandwagon. 

We are immigrants. Immigrants. aka Expats. So lost, we are. 

Where I’m not lost is in a few core beliefs. If you build a relationship on lies, you’re stuffed. It will come out, your partner will realise you’ve lied at some point (90.73% chance* according to TrustMe think-tank) and that’s the end of that trusting relationship. You can forgive, try and forget, but if you keep doing it my friend, you are not trustworthy. Goodbye. 

* I’ve made this figure up because sometimes figures don’t matter. The alternative is you don’t find out it’s a lie, so you’ve been conned. Call me stupid, but I hate being conned. Don’t you? 

So back to my bananas, bent, straight, never mind. Hang on. Actually it does matter. Because just now, we are saying we no longer want to buy bananas from our geographically close neighbours, because they impose what shape they should be. How very dare they? Fair enough then that we should now turn to the rest of the world, where they grow bananas in shapes you would not believe. Especially our Alt-friends across the pond. They have the best bananas. And they love the UK. Fact. Take their word for it. (Just don’t look at their newspapers headlines the day after the Prime Minister visited the White House to see quite how important the UK is in their news).  

Now, I’ve been wondering, are British banana growers going to be sued (via their government) if they start preventing these new really cheap Alt-right bananas that taste so good but are a bit modified (and some say a little bit bleached too because it makes them last longer)? Nah, British banana growers would never put up with this nonsense would they? 

Oh yes, I know, some people think I’ve gone bananas. Might’ve.Then again, seems the world around me is more bent than straight sending most of our brains as mushed as over ripe bananas. 


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